What keeps me up at night

I know I shouldn't hide things from you, a successful relationship relies on upon the communication and openness between two people and yet-- here I am, hiding things from you. It kills me not being able to be open with you, but you feel like a wall again. I don't know when it started but it feels like you've stopped trying for us. It's as if we lost some spark, some motivation-- we stopped being there for each other 100%, through thick and thin, the good times and bad. I want to make you happy, and I never want to hold you back. But when I think about you leaving, I consider all the little things that have made for successful long distance relationships-- and we don't have those.

They share their days with each other, so its like they were with each other although separated by thousands of miles but we, all I get is a one word response with no elaboration of how your day went by. And you rarely spontaneously tell me how your day was. Maybe you find me annoying for telling you about my day, whether it was good or bad, something happened, or nothing happened-- I want you to know because I thought it was all part of my love for you, that I want to share my everything with you as we share our lives together. This one way street though, I'm getting tired walking it sometimes alone. It makes me want to give up. I want to fix us, but it has to be a joint effort.

I get jealous. I do. And sometimes I still feel I don't understand you at all. Why did you chase her all day for photos when clearly she just ignored you and didn't seem to want to be bothered? You took me aback when you said she looked super hot and kept following her around like a lost puppy. What threw me off the most was when you had your hands all over her-- you'd never done that with other girls you shoot. I know I'm insecure, and I've worked hard on it. But suppressing who I am and how I feel from you-- was the last thing I'd imagined would have to happen with my significant other.

On my good days, I know you'll always be there for me. And on my bad days, I wonder why we still exist. Is it stubbornness? Is it love? I like to think it's the latter because I know I love you. I worry every day if I'm holding you back, if I'm making you a better person, if my existence in your life makes you happier-- then realize that I've been so focused on you, that I've lost a part of myself in that process. And it's all fine if this were reciprocated since you'd have my back. I don't doubt that you wouldn't but I feel empty sometimes because those parts I'd given up to you aren't being replaced with your presence.

What am I to you? Do you even care if you lost me? So many times I thought of walking away because I felt my existence only caused you pain and annoyance. All my problems were "drama" to you, but have you even noticed that maybe they were real problems and I had hoped you would see that so we could work on fixing it rather than let it explode later on? Its a constant struggle for me. Every day. These thoughts go through my mind. I don't see your motivation. I don't see your drive. Why does it seem like you don't want to work harder for us? It's more like you've given up already. There won't even be a long road for us to walk if we have no future together anyways. Better to go our separate ways and find our own happiness. Know earlier, suffer less? A little naive part of me hopes that isn't the case and you were happier with me, because you lit up my life. You brought laughter and tears, peace and anguish, resolution and challenges. I feel I've grown as a person and seen so much more of the world...with you.

Time and again

Siri and Allan met in high school, and it was just pure coincidence they became friends. Siri used to play cards with her friends during lunch hour in the cafeteria while Allan’s friends hung out around that area too. Siri’s group consisted of four card players, James, Crystal, Carrie and herself. James was part of Allan’s group of friends, but got pulled into the game because they were short one person. The days went by, and one day, James told everyone he was transferring schools to Vancouver because his family was moving away. Sad as it was, since this was only halfway through grade 9, everyone had to say their goodbyes. Siri’s group was once again missing one person for their card games. Allan had substituted a few times before, so he was the victim of choice, by a unanimous group decision.

Nothing really sparked between the two, but they were very quickly inseparable friends. By grade 10, wherever Siri was, you’d find Allan not far off. Even the teachers knew if they wanted to find Allan, just find Siri (who hung out in the chemistry classroom during breaks). Now, being the kids they were, there was a lot of teasing amongst her group of friends. Especially from Carrie, Siri’s best friend, there would be set-ups for them to get together and a lot of jokes around the two. Now, Siri never really noticed anything out of place because her mom had told her “No dating until you’re finished high school!”—and she listened. But every day Allan would wait for her to get off class and wait with her for her ride to arrive. Siri was also in choir, so Allan would wait after she got off and they’d spend some time together talking about the most random things in life. Allan’s excuse was waiting for his twin sister, Vangie. Somehow young Siri believed that.

Eventually, Siri did find herself liking Allan more than a friend, he was kind, funny, and always there for her. They talked every night online and exchanged many emails. However, she had a very traditional mindset: girls should not ask boys out. So she waited for him to take initiative. And waited. And waited. Nothing. Fine. She got over it and decided it was better to have a good friend than nothing. Their friendship never changed, still inseparable. And those feelings passed and she understood that her priority was to get into a good university.

As grade 11 rolled around, Siri didn’t have any classes with Allan since she took summer courses and was ahead in her classes. However, Joe, one of Allan’s good friends, was in many of her classes. After one of their classes one day, Joe asked if Siri had anything to do after class, and seemed to want to confirm that she was free after class. Siri thought this was very odd, since lunchtime was the same routine for her every day. Either way, she didn’t think too much of it. Joe wished her good luck before he left. Odd. She found Allan was waiting outside for her and she happily greeted him.

“S-Siri, I-I have something to tell you,” Allan stammered.

“Hm?” Siri cocked her head to the side, wondering why Allan was suddenly so stiff and uncomfortable.

His face beet red, Allan seemed to have trouble finding the right words, “I-I…”

Siri nervously laughed, as she looked around hoping to find something to help her friend find his words. Allan’s friends weren’t far off in the distance, having lunch, perhaps they could hear them speak, or maybe it was too far? Her mind wandered off a bit before she recollected herself and focused on Allan again.

“Siri… I like you,” Allan finally muttered.

“Well… uh I don’t hate you either? Friends are friends because they don’t hate each other you know…” Siri was confused, why was Allan suddenly acting so weird?

“I mean, I like you more than a friend—will you go out with me?”

Siri was rather dumbfounded. This was a confession. OH. Not knowing what to say, she just said the first thing that came to her mind, “You know my mom doesn’t want me dating until I’m done high school.” That came out rather bluntly. Shoot.

Allan put his hands on her shoulders and looked her in the eye, “I like you. Isn’t that all that matters?”

“But my mom…”

“I don’t care.”

But obedient Siri didn’t want to go against her mother’s wishes, “I’m sorry Allan, I only see you as a really good friend.” The biggest lie she had told all her life, only so she could continue being the perfect daughter in her mother’s eyes. She stared at Allan’s defeated sad face. The tension was killing her.

“Come to my locker with me? I have your Christmas present there.” Anything. Siri wanted to do anything to break that deafening silence.

Allan silently walked behind her. The two exchanged gifts and made their way back towards Allan’s group of friends in silence. Instead of going for lunch with Siri like normal, Allan stayed with his friends. Fair enough, thought Siri. Since this all took so long, lunch was almost over, so Siri rushed off to class trying to keep her mind off what had just happened.

When she got home that day, she told her mom what had happened. Her mom asked if she liked Allan, and not wanting any trouble, she said no. Being the clever mom, she told Siri to open the gift Allan got her—even though it was before Boxing Day. To her surprise, it was a beautiful watch. Seeing such, her mom knew this was not something a normal student could easily afford and told Siri to write Allan a letter and return the gift. Allan never took the gift back.

Time goes by and they each walk their separate paths. Siri to her sciences and Allan with his arts. There’s an occasional message exchange between the two, but contact was minimal. Life went on. And one would think this would be the end of their story.

It was summer of Siri’s third year and she was going to a friend’s birthday. Allan had offered her and Carrie a ride, so they accepted, since they were all going to the same destination. They didn't talk much, but like old times, Allan stuck by Siri’s side throughout the evening. Same old Allan, the slow-to-warm-up-to silent type. This was the restart of their friendship. They started talking more after the party, like old times. Somehow it was as if that 3 year gap between their friendship never occurred.

Siri got approved for residence at UBC for her fourth year, and was ecstatic to try living on her own. Her mom laid out ground rules in exchange for paying rent. First and utmost important rule was “No visitors unless approved by mom”. Second was “no boys”. Siri thought, easy enough, and understandable, since she was living alone and it could be dangerous. Besides, who would know? And to finish this great luck? Selina, another good friend of hers lived right downstairs from her. Life seemed perfect.

The term progresses and so does Siri and Allan’s relationship. Somehow after a few times hanging out, they end up dating. All their friends were excited for them, finally seeing them together. However, Siri’s family didn’t think so. They were worried for her. This was an important year for Siri, either she would “make it or break it”. The last thing they wanted to see was her dreams and future being hindered. And why at this time did Allan suddenly appear back in her life? If he really cared, he would have showed up earlier. Not wait until it was a critical time for Siri. What was he plotting? The questions poured in like a storm.

Siri’s mother saw this happening, and before Siri knew it, her family made her make a choice: she could be with Allan, or she could have her family. Torn between her first love and her family, Siri wanted to have both. She didn't understand why her family was so against her being with Allan. She got off the phone and not knowing what to do, called Allan to tell him what had happened. Hearing her crying over the phone, Allan rushed over to her residence in the middle of the night. He had no solution, but Siri was in an unstable state—who knows what she might try? Caught between a rock and a hard place, Siri had to have a response by the next day. She kept asking Allan what he would do, would he stand by her like always? Or would he run away? Lost and confused, Allan watched Siri sleep restlessly through the night.

Woken up by the sound of her ringtone, Siri jolted awake. It was her mother. She panicked. What was she going to do? She spent the few hours of the night sleeping, and hadn’t come up with a solution. Allan looked tired and worried. Everything wasn’t going right. How had this dream suddenly turned into a nightmare? Can’t escape forever, so Siri finally mustered up the courage to pick up her phone.

“H-hello? Mom?”

“Glad to know you still consider me your mother,” her mom replied flatly.

Baffled, Siri didn’t know how to react.

“Well? Did you decide what you want? You didn’t call this morning when I told you to,” her mother seemed upset Siri had forgotten.

“No, no mom. I thought you said I had to tell you by today, not by the morning…” Siri trailed off.

“See? You’re so lost you don’t even remember what I said. Poor child,” she could hear her mother sighing on the other end of the phone.

The conversation continues as Siri becomes more and more upset and distraught by her dilemma. Tears hydrated her face once again. It seemed as if her tear ducts suddenly turned into waterfalls. Her mother expected her to not regret the decision she made, but she knew that either one she chose, she would regret forever.

Finally they came to an agreement. Siri’s mother gave her one more option: continue to be with Allan until she graduated, then decide if she wants her family or Allan then. However, there were conditions. Her parents would no longer pay for her rent, nor drive her everywhere as they did before, she would have to quite literally, live alone. Perhaps to others this was a simple and easy tradeoff, but for Siri, who was sheltered all her life, it was like bringing a flower that has lived in a greenhouse all its life, outside. Would she survive? She had a bit of money in the bank, but her job didn’t pay her enough to support herself. What would she do? How did it all come to this in a mere few days?

Siri’s mother noticed her daughter’s decline and knew this couldn’t go on for much longer before she lost her daughter—the one thing she was trying to protect was about to be destroyed. So she gave in. Seeing her daughter wash her face every day with tears and losing weight so rapidly, she knew Siri was not handling things well. Perhaps the family had been too harsh on her? She agreed to let Siri continue to be with Allan on the condition that it doesn’t affect her studies, and that they would only meet up for dates on Friday. Siri quickly agreed to it.

A few months go by, and Allan visits Siri’s family. Finally given the chance, Siri’s mother asks Allan what he can provide for her daughter. Surprised by her question, Allan remains silent. Interrogation of Allan was unsuccessful. Even given the chance to openly express his thoughts, he gave it up. Exhausted, the night ends with nothing resolved.

Christmas comes rolling around, and Siri is spending her winter break at home with her family. Tension is high amongst all members and there is a hint of strain between their interactions. Siri ignores this and continues trying to repair the damage she created. She wanted to get back on friendly terms with her family; they used to be such a close-knit family that everyone was envious about. Things that get broken can never be the same again.

On Christmas day, Allan shows up at her doorstep with a present for her and one for her family. It was a stuffed pig and tea. Siri was overjoyed, simply because this was the first time someone had given her a surprise on Christmas day—besides Santa. Siri’s family didn’t seem happy with Allan’s gifts though. Perhaps it was the lack of thought. Tea every time and the fact his father owns a tea shop just feels like he wasn’t trying very hard to impress and win over the family. Siri was a simple girl though, happy with her stuffed pig. Although it was a bit ugly. Which she later questioned Allan why he made such a decision and found out it was because he had made it himself. That fact melted Siri’s heart. They had both made presents for each other without talking beforehand. Siri had learned how to knit a scarf for Allan for Christmas. Times seemed to be getting better, Siri was doing well in her courses and her family wasn’t pressuring her. Things seemed to be going too smoothly that Siri started having an ominous feeling that something bad was bound to happen eventually.

On Allan’s birthday, Siri was asked to have dinner with his sisters to celebrate. She had known them before, so thought it was going to be fine. It turned out to be a family dinner including his parents. This was the first time she had formally met his parents and being introduced to them by his twin sister did not seem proper. But alas, this was their family dynamic. Dinner went well and everyone seemed to enjoy themselves. Siri was happy to finally have met his family, but couldn’t get the thought out of her mind that Allan hadn’t introduced them earlier. The thought slipped out of mind quickly as this was Siri’s personality.

Although it didn’t occur to Siri, but five months had passed by since Allan and her started dating. Disappointment that Allan didn’t show up to surprise her on Valentine’s Day was replaced by the happy memories of Allan showing up the day after with flowers, marking their five-month anniversary. Who knew good times wouldn’t last? Siri had actually been struggling with herself because she felt like she had betrayed the family that cherished her and treated her like a princess for a boy she met years after. Again torn, Siri wanted to find a solution. She wanted her family to accept Allan and wished that Allan would try harder to show her family that he was serious about her.

Unknown to her family, they had already won. Siri couldn’t live with the silence in her once-boisterous house. She couldn’t stand lying to her family. It felt like she was living a lie. Sure, she was happy with Allan, but at times, she wished he would change for her. She couldn’t even change herself, so she knew it was hopeless to try to change someone else. Allan wasn’t one who believed in change. He believed you are who you are until the day you die. But Siri knew this wasn’t the case. She wasn’t the same shy girl she was five years ago. She liked herself now. She didn’t want to live everyday masquerading anymore. Something eventually snapped, and she saw what she had to do.

Over the next few days, she was in deep thought. Finally, she was ready to sit down with Allan to share her thoughts. As she suspected, they were on different pages. Siri couldn’t imagine a future without Allan, but Allan could. He could imagine being alone. Siri finally understood. All along she had tried to hang onto something that was unattainable. It was like trying to grasp steam, you think you have it in your hands, but when you open your hands, it was all but nothing you caught. Siri ended their long talk with the question given to Allan: Do you want to continue trying or do you want to give up on this relationship?

Weeks pass by as Siri and Allan live their own lives without any interaction. Siri concentrates on her final exams and Allan is absorbed in his graduation projects. After her exams, Siri finally has a moment to ponder what Allan was thinking. And as if by telepathy, her phone rings. It was Allan. Siri picked up the phone with a heavy feeling in her heart. She knew this was the moment Allan would give her an answer.

“Hello?”

“Hi… how are you?” Allan croaks uneasily.

“I’ve been good, how were your projects?” When had this distance grown between them? Siri felt the small talk was very unnatural.

“I just finished my exhibition, it went well…” Allan trails off.

“Oh I see, that’s good, how’s Vangie?” Siri searches for things to say to fill the gap, trying to prolong the moment before she would have to hear his answer.

“Uh, she’s finished her finals.”

Long silence.

Siri finally couldn’t stand the silence, “So… what is the purpose of this call?” Oh no, she worded that too bluntly—would Allan misunderstand?

Every second that passed by felt like forever, and the silence was deafening. Finally Allan spoke, “I give up. It’s over. You’re a strong girl, I’m sure you’ll be fine in no time.”

Although Siri had already expected it, hearing it made her eyes swell with tears, “So after weeks of waiting, this is it? Months of fighting for us, you give up? And don’t you worry, I’ll survive. I won’t go kill myself. And even if I did I’d have a fun time haunting you.” What made her sound so bitter, she did not know. All she knew was that emotional bubble had burst and she could finally breathe again but it was so painful.

“Siri… I can see myself alone. Even my friends think that. You’ll find someone, I’m sure.”

Siri didn’t want to hear any more, “Ok, if that’s your decision, then I’ll respect it. Good bye Allan. Thank you.” Siri ended the call.

So this was the end. End of everything. All she had fought for was for naught. The past few months felt like a dream—or more like a nightmare. Now she was left with emptiness. Was it worth shattering her family for? Those chains her family put on her, as she writhed around trying to get free, she had hurt them so much. Was freedom that important?

Disclaimer: The above story may contain snippets of awesomeness, viewer discretion is advised. Subject to be partially fictional for dramatic effects.