I know I shouldn't hide things from you, a successful relationship relies on upon the communication and openness between two people and yet-- here I am, hiding things from you. It kills me not being able to be open with you, but you feel like a wall again. I don't know when it started but it feels like you've stopped trying for us. It's as if we lost some spark, some motivation-- we stopped being there for each other 100%, through thick and thin, the good times and bad. I want to make you happy, and I never want to hold you back. But when I think about you leaving, I consider all the little things that have made for successful long distance relationships-- and we don't have those.
They share their days with each other, so its like they were with each other although separated by thousands of miles but we, all I get is a one word response with no elaboration of how your day went by. And you rarely spontaneously tell me how your day was. Maybe you find me annoying for telling you about my day, whether it was good or bad, something happened, or nothing happened-- I want you to know because I thought it was all part of my love for you, that I want to share my everything with you as we share our lives together. This one way street though, I'm getting tired walking it sometimes alone. It makes me want to give up. I want to fix us, but it has to be a joint effort.
I get jealous. I do. And sometimes I still feel I don't understand you at all. Why did you chase her all day for photos when clearly she just ignored you and didn't seem to want to be bothered? You took me aback when you said she looked super hot and kept following her around like a lost puppy. What threw me off the most was when you had your hands all over her-- you'd never done that with other girls you shoot. I know I'm insecure, and I've worked hard on it. But suppressing who I am and how I feel from you-- was the last thing I'd imagined would have to happen with my significant other.
On my good days, I know you'll always be there for me. And on my bad days, I wonder why we still exist. Is it stubbornness? Is it love? I like to think it's the latter because I know I love you. I worry every day if I'm holding you back, if I'm making you a better person, if my existence in your life makes you happier-- then realize that I've been so focused on you, that I've lost a part of myself in that process. And it's all fine if this were reciprocated since you'd have my back. I don't doubt that you wouldn't but I feel empty sometimes because those parts I'd given up to you aren't being replaced with your presence.
What am I to you? Do you even care if you lost me? So many times I thought of walking away because I felt my existence only caused you pain and annoyance. All my problems were "drama" to you, but have you even noticed that maybe they were real problems and I had hoped you would see that so we could work on fixing it rather than let it explode later on? Its a constant struggle for me. Every day. These thoughts go through my mind. I don't see your motivation. I don't see your drive. Why does it seem like you don't want to work harder for us? It's more like you've given up already. There won't even be a long road for us to walk if we have no future together anyways. Better to go our separate ways and find our own happiness. Know earlier, suffer less? A little naive part of me hopes that isn't the case and you were happier with me, because you lit up my life. You brought laughter and tears, peace and anguish, resolution and challenges. I feel I've grown as a person and seen so much more of the world...with you.
No comments:
Post a Comment